I prayed one of the hardest prayers to pray tonight. It’s not the first time I’ve prayed this prayer. I had just forgotten how hard of a prayer it really was to pray. I had to pray the prayer…”Not our will, God, but Your’s be done. We trust You in what You’re doing.”
A friend of ours from the church is in the last stages of stomach cancer. She is one of the dearest ladies I have ever known. There’s nothing negative that could be said about her life. She is a true example of what it means to be Christ-like. As the family was called in this afternoon, and we all gathered around her bedside to sing and be with her, my mind couldn’t help but go to prayer. My prayers were with the family that will be left behind. My prayer is that their faith will not be waivered and that they will not blame God for not healing their mom, grandmother, sister…and so on.
I’ve been in the same place where one of her daughters stand this night. I was once at a place where I had to realize that for whatever reason sometimes God’s plans do not match ours. Sometimes our hearts break, our spirits cry out in despair, and our minds ask that question…Why? I don’t know why some get to experience the miracles and others do not. It does not seem to make sense to us as humans. It does not seem fair.
It’s hard to release our will and our ways to the ways that God has. It’s hard for us to pray for His Will. Perhaps part of the reason it’s so difficult is that we know that it is not always God’s plan to heal, to restore health and life, or to touch someone physically. We know that sometimes God chooses something different. We know that if we pray for His will, then we have to accept what He chooses to do. We know in our heads and hearts that it is very possible God will not heal and restore. Therefore we tend to hold on and ask selfishly. It’s hard to come to that point where we relinquish our will and began to accept and pray for His will. We have to remember that God is God and we are not. His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8)
There was a time when I can remember praying and even begging God to heal and restore life to my child that doctors were telling me was dead in my womb. I refused to relinquish my will to God’s plan. I refused to accept God’s will and God’s way. I didn’t understand or like the plan He had for my life. I remember my heart breaking, my hands trembled, I was so confused as to why God could allow me to suffer this loss. I held on to this child until I could hold on no longer. I waited until my body was in danger before I gave up and understood that God had chosen a different outcome than the one I had in mind. As I was waiting to be taken to surgery, I remember the question rolling over in my mind. “Do you believe I am still God? Will you still trust me regardless of this outcome?”
At that moment, I couldn’t make much sense as to why I was losing the child I had prayed to have for 14 years. I couldn’t answer the question going over in my mind. Was it because I didn’t trust Him? NO. Because I was afraid He was making the wrong decision? NO. Was it because I was worried God was making a mistake? NO. I knew in my heart that God knew exactly what He was doing. I just didn’t like the outcome, so I hung on to the questions.
Was it because I am human? YES. Was it because I had a selfish nature? YES. Was it because I was a mother at that moment, fighting for a life I wanted to continue more than my very own? YES. Was it because the situation was completely out of my control? YES.
I remember my husband and I leaving the hospital after I had surgery and returning home. I remember walking into the nursery room and sitting down, as my heart ripped out, and the tears flowed freely. I remember us weeping together and my husband lifting his head, saying these words in a prayer…”God, although we don’t understand your ways right now, we TRUST you!”
I cannot tell you the shock that went through me at those words he spoke. My husband had no idea that this very question had been going over in my mind. That I had felt God asking me those very words! I realized that I did still trust God. I still believed in Him. I didn’t understand all the Whys? but the trust was still there. Almost two years later, we once again had to open our hearts and our hands and let go of our second child that God choose to take in much the same way. I had to again let go and pray, “God, I don’t understand where you’re taking us, but I trust you. It’s not my will, but Your’s.” Again, the hardest and most difficult prayer I’ve ever uttered!
The road to recovery from these losses was a difficult one. But as I look back today, I can smile. God has since given us a beautiful, healthy little boy to brighten our lives. He’s made us stronger through the losses. He put strength in our marriage that some couples cannot boast of. He’s taught us to cling together and hold tightly onto His will…even when we don’t understand the outcome.
See, there are times when we don’t get the miraculous outcomes. There are times when God chooses to take life instead of giving life. There are times we have to surrender our will and our way to His, and say, God, we trust you. We have to remember that God is faithful and that he has a plan for our lives. That’s what faith is all about. Trusting and being certain of who God is. Trusting Him when it doesn’t make sense to us. Letting go of our will and letting Him have His way. It’s only natural for the human side of us to grieve in these times of loss. It’s only natural for us to want to hold on to our loved ones. We just have to remember that His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are above ours. We have to remember that God knows and sees the big picture. We have to let go and place our trust in Him. Knowing He will take us through.
