Radical Marriage Counseling
A Pastor unknown once said….
“I would put my track record of marriage counseling up against anyone else’s,” the Pastor boasted over lunch, “since there has never been a divorce in my congregation in the history of my ministry. And here I am a single man!”
“What is your secret?” I asked.
“It is perfectly simple, and is the only approach I know to take,” he continued. “People come to me with ‘He said’ and ‘She said’ and “He did’ and “She does’ and so forth and so on. I listen for a while, and think to myself ‘They both did many of these same things when they were madly in love with each other; so it must be something else.’ Then I cut in and say, ‘Look, I don’t know about all of that, I am single after all. What I want to know is who is sinning?'”
“You really say that?”
“Yes, I do. Generally they look at me dumbfounded, and then I give them my counsel. ‘One of you, or perhaps both of you, is sinning and will not repent, and that is why you are here in my office saying all these ugly things. I do not need to hear all of this, and can give you all you need in a few minutes and then we can get to the real problem. For if whoever is sinning will not repent, then your marriage is doomed. Most of these complaints you have told me about are mere symptoms and useless bickering, and I have no idea what to do about them anyway. So let us be clear about this, at least one of you is sinning and will not repent. Since it has gone this far then it is likely that both of you are sinning, as this is often done to get revenge–to hurt the other person in retaliation. So you both need to examine your hearts. If you don’t deal with the sin, no counselor in the world can help you, and nothing else you might do to distract yourselves or shift blame will save your marriage. If you do repent, then you do not need me or anyone else to give you any other counsel than that which you have received.’ Then I say, ‘Now, if one of you is willing and brave enough to confess what is really going on here, then we can pray and repent right now. If not, then talk about this yourselves and confess your sins to one another and pray for each other and see what happens.'”
“And this works?”
“Hey, this clarity of focus on ‘who is sinning?’ has saved many very troubled marriages! I guess I am not sophisticated enough to dare try any other approach, and I treat every couple that comes to me the same way. For I believe that God made marriages inherently strong and self-correcting, and that the only thing that can really ruin one is unrepentant sin. Petty gripes and irritants being told to someone else in a so-called ‘counseling’ session show that we have missed the most obvious truth: that sin is the only thing in the world that can wreck a marriage.”
To be sure, sin will not wreck a marriage… if so then every marriage would be wrecked. But repetitive, unrepentant sin will wreck a marriage if not dealt with, regardless if the couple stays together or breaks apart. In a serious marriage crisis, sin is the first place we should look if we are interested in really dealing with the problem.
Mat 18:15 (NIV) “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”
Rather than obey the Lord, more often we distract ourselves with symptoms and irritations and easily pinioned personality quirks in the other person, deceiving ourselves that these are the problem. But if sin remains in the dark, its effects will be fatally caustic to the relationship.
If you are reading this and your marriage is on-the-rocks, then examine your own heart. Are you sinning in some way that has caused the problem? If your conscience is clear before the Lord, then is your spouse sinning in some way that has caused the rift? If you think so, then go to them with loving clarity of purpose to “show the fault”, and do not allow yourself to get embroiled in insignificant gripes or other distractive complaints.
For if sin continues, your marriage will be a disaster whether you get a divorce or not. For sin, left unchecked, wrecks relationships.
Mat 24:12 (KJV) “And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.”
The Unknown Pastor
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THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE COVENANT
A husband and wife that truly love God as they ought to love Him, is willing to lay down their lives for the sake of their testimony and witness of Jesus and the gospel of Jesus Christ. God’s children will not bring needless shame upon His name in order to indulge in sins!
A Godly character in relationship with God will not encounter any problem that cannot be met with the Word of God, and the love and the power of God’s spirit to overcome and put down the enemy who seeks to destroy the Christian marriage, family and children.
Gen 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
Matt 19:9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except [it be] for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.
WARNINGS AGAINST ADULTERY FORNICATION AND DEFRAUDING ONE ANOTHER
1 Cor 7:1-11 Nevertheless, [to avoid] fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
Defraud ye not one the other, except [it be] with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
But I speak this by permission, [and] not of commandment.
For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.
I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I.
But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.
And unto the married I command, [yet] not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from [her] husband:
But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to [her] husband: and let not the husband put away [his] wife.
THE UNBELIEVING WIFE OR HUSBAND
1 Cor 7:12-16 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.
And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such [cases]: but God hath called us to peace.
For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save [thy] husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save [thy] wife?
COUNSEL TO PRAYERFULLY CONSIDER
1. Divorced people are not good marriage risks, and one should be very slow and cautious to consider remarrying.
2. Make sure you understand you were also looking into the face of God when you said, I do…until death do us part.
3. Persons who contributed to the failure of one marriage and sin against God’s word is likely to be a repeat offender.
4. Children are victims of divorce in families and often the damage destroys the children and puts them on the path to hell.
5. Consider the public disgrace this brings upon the witness and testimony of all those who profess to know Jesus Christ.
6. Pride, jealousy, lust or covetousness for the things of others are these the source of your decision to separate or divorce?
7. Are you being foolish, being ruled by the flesh, the human will and emotions to think God condones sins such as divorce?
8. Divorcing and then waiting for the other partner to remarry before marrying again is premeditated sin, adultery and fornication.
9. The real question is are both parties willing to quit sinning and build an alter of Repentance and forgiveness before God?
10. If you knew your life was going to end by some dreaded disease in the next 24 hours unless you could fix your marriage and save your family from possibly going to hell, how big would your marriage problems look then?
Would the problems you have in your marriage today pale in the light of eternity? As your breathing slowed and finally ceased, and your heart slowed to a stop, as your soul slipped ever so quietly out of your body and away from this life and those you love and hold so dear, looking back from the other side standing before the judgment seat of Christ, how unsolvable would your marriage problems seem? Have you used all the resources God has provided to make your marriage to represent and glorify God in the holy and sacred covenant of marriage?
How unsolvable would your marriage problems appear if you found yourself standing before the throne of God awaiting His judgment for your deeds, unrepentant sins, and the things you have done or participated in, during your life here on earth?
A day, a week, or months away from family and those we love is gone forever.
We can never get back the time we lose with those we love, as the lost minutes of time turn into hours, the days into weeks and the weeks into months and finally, finally the months have become years and all is lost and the testimony of God’s saving and redeeming power is lost, the family is often lost and the children are ruined and damned to a hellish deceptive vision of what momma and daddy called their Christian experience.
The children are now possibly set on a path of unbelief through a lack of confidence in God’s plan for their lives because they had a poor example of a Christian relationship with Christ in mom and dad.
Now they see only a strong and reckless demonstration of sins power and the human emotion and self will that has replaced God in the heart and life of their family.
Sometimes it seems there are no answers to life’s many trials and questions but we must exhaust all of God’s provisions and exercise all of God’s Word to the fullest. It is often when we come to the end of our own wisdom and our own strength that God can begin to take our problems into His hands into his control and out of ours.
Many can testify to the tragedy of divorce. An unbeliever or one that does not regard God and His Word may disregard the sacredness of marriage and leave the believing husband or wife with no alternatives. Those who stray from God we cannot and should not follow into sin, disobedience or rebellion. These are times when we can only hold on to what does not waver nor fail, such as the timeless love of Christ for the heart and souls of family members that are shattered and need God’s help and the church family to overcome and find healing.
God is the author of peace not confusion
