I did the silliest thing tonight.
I dug out the old box of mom’s clothes. I don’t even think that anyone else thought to gather any of her clothes. We were all still in that dreamlike state of shock 3000 days ago when she left us.
3000 days later I can finally open that box of fabric and memories.
I held the old tattered smock top to my face, praying there might still be her smell lingering on them. 3000 days tends to take away any scent I might need to have tonight. But God answered my prayers because 3000 days ago, He gave me enough wisdom to put the old round lavender smelling powder that I had dusted my mother with those 3000 days ago. And as I lifted the lid; knowing that that smell would come back. I was almost afraid to breathe. Almost afraid that it wouldn’t be a familiar smell.
But thankfully, it was. I wrapped myself in that old tattered smock and I closed my eyes and I was taken to a place I hadn’t been in over 3000 days. Suddenly I was there and she was there and everything made sense again.
Still hesitant to close the lavender powder tray for fear I might forget how I felt at that moment; I gently closed the lid and sifted through more of her clothes.
Gifts they were, most of them, and those items that weren’t gifts had been worn for so long the fabric was transparent. Yet, when I put it on me, wherever it touched me was warmth I cannot describe.
I wept then and did so, unashamed, for quite some time. It was almost as if I were in her presence one more time and I could tell her how these last 3000 days had gone.
I said;
“I miss you so much, mom. I miss your smell. I miss your laugh. I miss you telling me that you love me and to be careful.
But 3000 days have passed since you left and here are some things mom that I didn’t know would happen when you left.
I didn’t know the world could turn so cold.
Or that people would do such unreasonable things.
Or they could treat me the way they did
Or that I could treat people the way I do.
Nothing made sense anymore.
There didn’t seem to be any maternal moral yardstick to gauge what was done to me and by me anymore.
There was no one on this earth would ever or could ever love me like I had been loved 3000 days ago.
There was such a longing to go back and for just a moment just truly appreciate what had been lost to me.”
And then, just as quietly and directly as those thoughts had entered my mind. What transcended them all was what she left behind.
Her love.
This ache in me was just a reminder of the tremendous love I still have for her; that I will always have for her. It does not lessen in 3000 days.
As a child of Christ, filled with His Spirit, these words have more meaning now more than ever…
John 14: 18-20
I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.
Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.
How thankful I am for His promise of a “comforter”!
John 16:7
Nevertheless, I tell you the truth; It is expedient for you that I go away: for if I go not away, the Comforter will not come unto you; but if I depart, I will send him unto you.
Happy Mothers day…. to all those mothers who comfort and all those who are comforted.
